My Childhood Friend Is An Archmage Chapter 46
Translated by d6y (ko-fi)
Chapter 46.
* * *
When I was 15, I was in pure love. Although It was short-lived, I genuinely liked someone with all my heart.
At the time, I didn't quite understand why my face turned red or felt a tingle in my stomach whenever I saw Lancer.
It wasn't like we were dating. I'm not a child, so why am I so shy and…
Wait a minute.
Am I… shy now?
When I put a name to these racing feelings, I realised how I was then.
I was ashamed that other people would find out that Lancer and I developed a romantic relationship.
Why?
I was confused. It didn't make sense to me logically. Why wouldn't I want anyone to know about our relationship?
My parents cared for and loved each other dearly, so they were always proud to introduce each other to people.
So why don't I want to introduce Lancer to anyone as 'my lover'?
Why? Because I didn't want anyone to know that I was in love with him? Because I don't want anyone to know about the intimate feelings we share? Or maybe I just want to keep the fact that we're lovers a secret from everyone then?
…I don't know.
No matter how much I racked my brain, I couldn't figure out the answer. But whatever it was, it didn't matter.
The most important thing then was,
I think I like Lancer.
I wasn't so sure, of course, but I probably did.
I've had tea with him more times than I can count since I was a kid. We have each other's tea preferences, the way we hold our cups, and the names of our favourite desserts by heart because of that.
Still, it was always new. Before each tea time, I found myself getting a little excited.
-Would he like this teacup?
-Would he like this flavour of tea?
-Would he like to have this cake with me?
With these thoughts in mind, I sat at the tea table in the garden and waited for him. Even the waiting time was precious to me.
And whenever Lancer finally sat down across from me, I felt better for no reason.
Without thinking, I chatted with him about all sorts of things. I don't remember most of it. They were probably just small talks without any value.
Still, it was nice.
I wasn't a big fan of wasting time like that, but it was nice to spend time slowly with Lancer. I loved sharing the same time in the same room with him.
At some point, instead of lying in bed and waiting for sleep to wash over me every night, I would close my eyes and think about him.
-What will I do with him tomorrow?
-What will I talk about with him tomorrow?
-Lancer, the name I'd been calling my whole life made my heart pound.
Even though nothing had changed, just the simple, trivial fact that his feelings and mine were mutual.
I couldn't help but feel so happy. What could all this be if not proof that I liked him?
Lancer, do you feel the same way I do?
Suddenly curious about it, I asked him one day over dinner.
"Do you ever feel embarrassed to tell other people that we like each other?"
Lancer replied, "But everyone else already knows I like you."
I froze for a moment.
What?
"What do you mean that everyone else knows? Have you… have you been telling them already?"
"Tell them what?"
"That, uh, that we… like each other…"
He tilted his head. "I've been saying since we were little that you're my best friend in the whole world, so there's no one around here who doesn't know that I like you."
"What?"
My mind jerked as if I'd been slapped in the back of the head. Something was off. The words didn't fit.
What did being childhood friends have to do with our current developing relationship? Did I hear him right?
The softly flowing air in the dining room seemed to coldly harden. The food I'd swallowed seemed to have turned to hard stone, turning my insides inside out.
I slowly put down the fork. "Lancer… I'm asking to be sure but" No, I wasn't, "When you say you like me, you mean… the same thing as I like you, right?"
Right? That's what it meant, isn't it? Aren't I right? Of course, I am.
It's not that you like me as a friend, but you mean you like me beyond the realm of friendship, as a man to a woman, as a person of the opposite sex, right?
"Like… you don't just want to be friends with me forever, but you want to live in the same house someday, wake up at the same time, start the day and grow old slowly together?"
Lancer only blinked slowly at my words pouring out like a waterfall. It seemed he didn't quite understand what I was trying to say.
And after a chilling silence,
"...What's the difference?" He spoke.
BANG!
The sudden noise pierced the silence in the dining room. I suddenly stood up, sending my chair tumbling to the marble floor.
"I'll," My throat managed to squeeze out, "I'll go first."
"Skyla!"
Bewildered, Lancer also rose from his seat to follow me as I ran out to avoid him.
"What's wrong, Skyla?"
"Don't follow me!" I shouted. Stunned, Landshear froze in place.
When I saw him just standing there at a loss on what to do, my heart felt like it'd been stabbed. I hurt him. Regret washes over me.
Then I couldn't help but laugh at myself for feeling a little sympathy for him. I'm the one who should be angry, why am I worried about him?
I've always liked Lancer.
The thought made me more miserable.
Biting my lip, I jerked my head away from him. "I don't want you to come here for a while, at least not until I contact you."
"Well, where are we meeting then?"
"I mean that I don't want to see you. I won't see you off, I'm not in the mood to. Leave on your own." After I spoke those venomous words, I turned my heel and headed for the stairs.
"Skyla…" His voice from behind me sounded like an extinguished candle.
My steps quickened. I was afraid he would stop me.
"Whoa, my lady!"
As I turned down the corridor, I bumped into a maid bringing dessert.
"Where are you going all of a sudden? If you need anything, you can ask us-"
"I'm going to my room."
"Yes? But what about dessert?"
"I don't want it."
The maid was even more surprised by my curt reply.
"Well, but this is the chocolate cake you picked out yesterday when you came down to the kitchen late at night, so I thought you liked it?"
"I don't like sweets. Tell Lancer to eat them both." With that blunt statement, I ran up the stairs to my room.
As soon as I reached there, I opened the door intending to break the walls.
Phoebe was straightening the thick comforter on my bed when she saw me.
"My lady."
Surprised by my sudden appearance, she stared and I averted my gaze away. I didn't want to make eye contact with her.
"I'm sorry for interrupting you, Phoebe. I want to be alone right now."
"... Alright." She nodded and returned to her usual expressionless face.
Before leaving, she cast me another glance, but I didn't return it. I didn't want to talk to anyone right now.
"...Please let me know if you need anything. I'll be waiting in front of the door."
"..."
"...Then, I'll be off."
The door closed with a click.
Now alone, I collapsed onto the bed. My legs, barely supporting my body, gave out.
I didn't know Phoebe was here. I wonder what she thought when she saw me.
At the time, I wasn't able to hear other people's thoughts, so I didn't know what she was thinking, but I could roughly guess without listening to them.
I must've seemed odd.
It was less than an hour after I'd gone downstairs to eat with Landseer in a good mood, but then I suddenly came back with a frown.
I must've seemed really odd.
Lancer probably thought the same. I'm sure he thought I was weird for liking him, for misunderstanding, for pouring out my feelings.
"Haha…" I broke out a dry laugh. Half of it was a sneer at myself, the other was a mourning for my self-inflicted misery.
Yeah, there's no way Lancer would like me like that.
I was deluded. I thought he liked me. I arrogantly assumed that I knew him well because we had been close since childhood.
I misunderstood that the reason he'd been spending time with me all these years was because he liked me, so I assumed that since I liked him, he must've liked me too.
How ridiculous. That will never happen.
Even if I became the closest person to him in the world, he would never fall in love with me.
Why didn't I realise that before? I've been watching him since I was a child. Lancer was an archmage, and their magic powers weren't good with emotions. There was no way he'd understand the meaning of 'I like you'.
No matter how sincerely I approached him, no matter how much I whispered my feelings to him, no matter how much I tried to show him my heart, he wouldn't understand from the start.
I was probably just a "best friend" to him.
When the thought hit me, I couldn't take it anymore. I unconsciously spoke,
"I feel so stupid…" Like a helpless child, I buried my face in my pillow and could only hold my tears in.
I wanted to turn back time if I could. I should've acted like nothing happened when he confessed to me then.
When I heard it, I should've laughed it off as a joke.
I shouldn't have let him shake me up like that.
Where did I go wrong?
For liking Lancer? For being delusional? For believing his confession when I knew he was emotionally immature, unlike the average person?
No. But rather… rather, if I had known what he was thinking from the start, none of this would've happened in the first place…
A wave of unidentifiable regret washed over me.
The cold night air stung my skin, and the chill creeping up my spine made my breathing difficult, but I didn't care. I thought weakly,
I hope I catch a terrible fever so I don't have to face tomorrow forever.
